1 00:00:01,240 --> 00:00:04,140 [lively rock music playing] 2 00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:06,740 ♪ ♪ 3 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:07,980 - Even though it didn't work out 4 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:09,620 with Ayesha's brother Ahsan, 5 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,500 I still had to uphold my end of the deal. 6 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:15,580 I would audition with Lady Parts for Sound Smash. 7 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:17,980 - Someone is fucking out of tune and it's throwing me off. 8 00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:20,100 - You better not be talking about me, sis. 9 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:22,500 - Where you off to? - I've got labs. 10 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:24,780 Sorry. 11 00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:26,660 So, so sorry. 12 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,380 - What's wrong with you? Where have you been? 13 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:30,060 - Just stuck in labs. 14 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,020 - I had to pick all the flower arrangements without you. 15 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:33,740 - Meanwhile, I was also helping Noor 16 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:35,380 plan her engagement party. 17 00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:38,100 It was my sacred duty as her best friend. 18 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:40,700 [indistinct chatter, laughter] 19 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:43,520 Living two lives was no mean feat. 20 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:46,820 - Alive. [all talking over each other] 21 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,780 - I had newfound sympathy for spies and philanderers. 22 00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:51,060 all: He's alive, he's alive. 23 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:52,620 - Navigating these choppy seas 24 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,220 of deception, 25 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:56,500 I was master and commander. 26 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,020 [rock music] 27 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:01,100 ♪ ♪ 28 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:04,420 - All that's left to get is the rose gold fairy lights, 29 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:07,380 champagne table covers, carnation sheer drapes, 30 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:08,860 brushed gold serving spoons. 31 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:12,180 Amina? You getting this? 32 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:14,060 - Got it. Got it. 33 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,540 - Also, what else? We need cake, who's on the cake? 34 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,100 - We are. 35 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:21,280 - Off again, are we? - Yeah, labs, mad intense. 36 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:24,260 - Babe, we know what you're doing. 37 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,300 - You do? 38 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:28,860 - Obvi, you're going to see Ahsan. 39 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,700 - What? 40 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,380 - I really like you, but just, you know, as a friend. 41 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:33,580 - Oh, shit. 42 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:34,900 - That name, 43 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,020 a bullet in the heart, 44 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:37,460 a dagger in the clavicle. 45 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,620 Got me. [laughter] 46 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:41,180 - Well, don't overdo it. 47 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:43,140 - There is such a thing as being too keen. 48 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:44,900 - Mm-hmm. - Ladies. 49 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,860 You tell him we are so looking forward to meeting him. 50 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:49,580 - Yeah. 51 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,100 I still hadn't told my friends 52 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:52,620 that Ahsan had rejected me. 53 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:54,580 They thought I was seeing him, 54 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:56,060 when actually... 55 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:57,660 - Sup, motherfuckers! 56 00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:01,820 Have I got news for you. 57 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:03,460 - So did you get us a slot? 58 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:04,940 - Saturday, 2:00 p.m., 59 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:06,940 Sound Smash audition. 60 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,660 - Shit. That's soon. 61 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:11,140 - Well it's the only slot they had. 62 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,980 - It's fine, we're ready. - Uh... 63 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:16,860 2:00 p.m., Saturday? 64 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:20,420 [laughs nervously] Mm, I can't, mm-mm. 65 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:22,580 - Ugh, Amina. - What? 66 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:24,180 - It's Noor's engagement party. I can't miss it. 67 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:25,660 I'm sorry, I just can't. 68 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,820 - Wow, wow. Relax, breathe. 69 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:29,340 - [sighs] 70 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:30,980 - Just tell her you need to need to leave early. 71 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:32,260 - I can't. They don't know about the band. 72 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:33,740 They cannot know about the band. 73 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:35,980 - Nice--healthy. - [breathing nervously] 74 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:37,780 - Hey, relax. 75 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:40,180 We'll pick you up, do a quick audition, and drop you back. 76 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:41,700 - No one will even know you're gone. 77 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:42,980 - That. 78 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,660 - Maybe I shouldn't do the audition. 79 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:46,580 I mean, I could puke. I always puke when I perform. 80 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,300 What if I puke? Or worse... 81 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:50,740 what if poo comes? 82 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,940 - Poo is not gonna come. 83 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,980 - Remember, this is not a performance, it's an audition. 84 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:58,340 Big difference. No crowd. 85 00:02:58,440 --> 00:02:59,980 You'll just play like you play with us in here. 86 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,780 - I had performance anxiety, Noor anxiety, 87 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:05,740 living a double life anxiety. 88 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:07,180 I was in over my head. 89 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,220 [whimpering] - Okay. 90 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:12,620 I think we need to decompress, hmm? 91 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,300 Get out of Dodge for a bit. 92 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,220 - [groans] - [sighs] 93 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:19,420 all: ♪ The toxicity of our city ♪ 94 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:22,340 - Guys, where are we going? 95 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,580 all: ♪ You, what do you own the world? ♪ 96 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:28,340 ♪ How do you own disorder, disorder? ♪ 97 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:31,500 ♪ Now somewhere between the sacred silence ♪ 98 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,460 ♪ Sacred silence and sleep ♪ 99 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:38,940 ♪ Somewhere between the sacred silence ♪ 100 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:41,180 [birds chirping] 101 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,700 - Where are we? - Countryside, baby. 102 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,300 Sometimes we like to kick it in The Shire. 103 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,140 - This is where we unwind. - Yeah, chill. 104 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,260 - Is it safe? 105 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:52,980 They wanted me to get out of my head 106 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,980 and into my body, release my demons, 107 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:59,460 unclench my sphincter, find my Zen. 108 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,500 [yells] 109 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,740 - Come on. I've got you. 110 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:06,900 That wasn't so bad, was it? 111 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,900 [pastoral music] 112 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,180 ♪ ♪ 113 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,640 - [yelling] - [yelling] 114 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:21,900 - Sorry, what's going on? 115 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,480 [all yelling] 116 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:27,900 [both grunting] 117 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:30,720 [cows lowing] 118 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:34,460 - Just relax and lie down, feel the earth. 119 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,140 Mother Nature says, "Chill." 120 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,660 - I had never been in the countryside before. 121 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:40,460 Anything outside London zone five 122 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,500 was foreign terrain to me. 123 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,180 It didn't feel right. 124 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,980 Uh... Whose land is this? 125 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:50,060 - Whose land is this? Whose land is this? 126 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,500 Whose land is this? - Whose land is this? 127 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:55,140 - [grunts] 128 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:57,060 - I mean, someone might own this land, I don't know. 129 00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:58,660 - Just 'cause someone sticks a flag into something 130 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,500 doesn't make it theirs, you get me? 131 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,740 - This land is ours. 132 00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:04,780 We are Earth's natives. 133 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,620 Our forefathers fought and died in the white man's wars 134 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:09,940 for the express purpose that we would be able 135 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,780 to sit here on this here land 136 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:16,100 and smoke this here doob. 137 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:17,740 - Great! - Mmm. 138 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,980 [cheering] 139 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,980 [exciting rock music] 140 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:30,080 ♪ ♪ 141 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:43,460 - And just like that, I let go. 142 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,140 Somehow the band had got through to me. 143 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,860 And in this green and pleasant land, 144 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:52,520 I lay my troubles aside. 145 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:54,780 Even Ayesha and I were bonding... 146 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,900 - Oi, listen yeah. - Sort of. 147 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,320 Yes, listening. Sorry. 148 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:02,820 - I don't mean to be so hard on you. 149 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:08,100 You're not a total loser or a totally shit guitarist. 150 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,500 - Thanks. - You do get on my tits though. 151 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:12,660 - Sorry. - No, it's cool. 152 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,520 It's band life, I guess. 153 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:18,780 Sorry it didn't work out with my brother. 154 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:20,900 - Oh. - I thought it might. 155 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:24,340 Given how wet he is. - [laughs] Yeah. 156 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,440 [wood crackling] 157 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,520 - Good chat. 158 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:35,280 You're alright. 159 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:41,660 - A toast to our newest band member, 160 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:43,940 a delightful freak show, 161 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,660 a humble virtue, I say. 162 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:50,140 A horny reprobate. [laughter] 163 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,500 And our great new friend. 164 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:53,220 - Yeah! - Whoo! 165 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:55,060 - Am I really that bad? 166 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,100 - That bad? You're that good. 167 00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:58,420 - You gotta own your freakiness 168 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,540 before your freakiness owns you. 169 00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:02,820 - Bring on the audition! 170 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:04,900 [all yelling] 171 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,860 - Hey! 172 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,220 This is private land! 173 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,300 - Sorry, sir, this land is our land. 174 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:11,700 We are Earth natives-- 175 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:13,300 - Run! - Shit! 176 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,260 [indistinct shouting] 177 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:18,360 [cheering] 178 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,140 - Back in the Big Smoke, and I was feeling different. 179 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,540 Something in the countryside air changed me. 180 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,940 I figured, maybe it wasn't such a big deal 181 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:30,700 to tell Noor about Lady Parts. 182 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:31,900 - [sobbing] 183 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,220 - I figured wrong. 184 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:34,820 - Hon, it's fine. You made a mistake. 185 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,020 - I'm so sorry, Noor. I didn't mean to. 186 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:38,620 - What's going on? 187 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,100 - Zeyba sent the wrong playlist 188 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:41,700 to Osmond for the engagement party. 189 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,220 - Oh, so what's the big deal? 190 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,060 - [scoffs] - She sent her get-pumped 191 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,580 playlist instead of her get-wed playlist. 192 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,660 - It had some inappropriate tracks. 193 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:54,220 - Inappropriate tracks? 194 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:57,860 - "Sexual Healing." [clears throat] 195 00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,700 "Pony." 196 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,920 - "Girl I Want to Make You Sweat." 197 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,620 - Babe, you made a mistake. 198 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,500 Sometimes it takes something like this to happen 199 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,660 for you to understand your missteps. 200 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:10,980 - Mm-hmm. 201 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,500 - The highs of the countryside 202 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,780 suddenly seemed a distant memory, 203 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,420 and not just for me. 204 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:19,420 Saira's natural habitat had been invaded, 205 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:23,020 and she was confronted by a new and terrifying obstacle. 206 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:24,220 - Mmm. 207 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:25,620 - A dinner date. 208 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:28,060 - Abdullah, this lamb is sick. 209 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:29,940 - Thanks. It from to Saira's butchers. 210 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:31,460 - Yeah, it was pretty much about to go off, 211 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:33,220 so I got it really cheap, so... 212 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:35,500 - [coughs] - Mm-hmm. 213 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:39,060 - Saira and Abdullah were newly official as a couple, 214 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:42,420 an item, a thing. 215 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:44,940 - So big day coming up for you guys, huh? 216 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:46,700 - What? 217 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:48,700 - The audition. 218 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,380 - Oh, yeah, yeah, we're finally getting somewhere. 219 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,220 And Taz is making waves 220 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,180 with the whole online thing too, so... 221 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,780 - That's great, baby. - Thanks. 222 00:08:57,880 --> 00:08:59,140 - Saira thought she could do the whole 223 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,980 girlfriend-boyfriend thing, 224 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:03,660 but she was struggling with the reality. 225 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,540 - How's Marnie? - Good, good. 226 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:08,860 And she's killing it in school, crazy smart. 227 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,140 I don't know who she gets it from. 228 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:11,580 - She hardly ever puts down 229 00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:13,020 that Captain America shield you got her. 230 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,380 - What can I say, my arrested development 231 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,420 means I buy good presents for kids. 232 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:18,180 - Mm. 233 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:21,280 - Hey, you'd make a great dad one day, you know? 234 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,340 - Um, Saira, you'd make a great mum too one day. 235 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:29,520 [chokes, coughs] This lamb is so spicy. 236 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:33,180 - Would anybody like so more lamb? 237 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:36,460 - I don't know if it's my bag, the whole family thing. 238 00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:37,940 You guys are great, don't get me wrong. 239 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,660 And Marnie is fucking amazing. - Thank you. 240 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:43,900 - But I am not convinced it's quite for me, you know? 241 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,620 - Why is that? 242 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,340 - I'm gonna go to the toilet. 243 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:49,180 - Well, my parents were trapped in a loveless marriage 244 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:51,940 for 30 years, hated each other. 245 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,180 The only thing good about my family was my big sister, 246 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:57,060 but she went and died when I was ten kind of randomly, 247 00:09:57,160 --> 00:10:00,120 so yeah, don't know. 248 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,820 Jury is still out on the whole starting a family sitch 249 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,920 pour moi. 250 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,160 - I'm just gonna... Wasim! 251 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,240 [utensils clattering] 252 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,660 - How the fuck did you not tell me you had a sister? 253 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,140 - I don't know, it's personal. 254 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:27,300 Plus, she's massively dead so it doesn't really count. 255 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,460 - Sorry, it counts. That counts. 256 00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:32,260 [sighs] 257 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,180 Look, I'm sorry, I know it's must be horrible, 258 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:38,540 but Bisma and Wasim know. 259 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:40,700 - Bisma's my best mate. 260 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,800 - So what am I, then? 261 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:46,180 [gentle music] 262 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:48,020 ♪ ♪ 263 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:51,500 - Okay, so I hadn't told my friends about the band, 264 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,900 or that Ahsan wasn't interested, 265 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,100 but I'm a highly intelligent woman. 266 00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:57,420 I could figure this out. 267 00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,580 Hey. - Sorry--oh, hey--hey! 268 00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:01,620 - How's it--hey. 269 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,300 Oh, no. 270 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:06,340 - Listen, I'm really sorry about the other night. 271 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:11,460 I should have been way more clear after the date. 272 00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:13,700 I'm sorry. Ayesha told me you were upset. 273 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,340 - I was fine. I mean, I am fine. 274 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:16,780 There is really no need to apologise. 275 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:19,360 - I'm not that kind of guy. - I'm sure. 276 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,020 Could this get any more awkward? 277 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,900 Uh-oh. 278 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,780 - Hello. 279 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,620 I'm Noor. - Ahsan. 280 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,700 - Oh, I know who you are. - You do? 281 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:34,540 - You two have literally been inseparable. 282 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:36,220 - Um... - And I cannot wait 283 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:37,660 to meet you properly on Sat. 284 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,260 A couple of Imran's cousins have bailed, 285 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:40,460 so there's plenty of food to go around, 286 00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:41,860 in case you were worried. 287 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,420 Also, no dress code. 288 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,140 Maybe smart casual--smasual. 289 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,060 Sound all right? 290 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,380 - S-sure. Sounds good. 291 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,100 - Perfect. 292 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:56,380 Well, you two have fun now. Not too much fun. 293 00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:58,680 - [laughs softly] 294 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,900 - Does she think we're-- - Yes, I know, I'm sorry. 295 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,660 I'm going set her straight, I just haven't yet, 296 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:05,740 'cause, I don't know if being everyone's 297 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,020 favourite loser is boring. 298 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:09,780 Am I right? Avoid. LOL. 299 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:14,360 But yes--no, I will tell her. I'm so sorry. 300 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,420 - I could come with you. - What? 301 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:23,660 - If you want. 302 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:27,380 My way of saying sorry for misleading you. 303 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:32,160 And I don't know, maybe then we can call it even. 304 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,580 - Oh, um... 305 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:38,060 Things I thought could never happen. 306 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,340 Yeah, okay. 307 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,140 One, Ahsan Alkaaf offering to take me 308 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,940 to Noor's engagement party. 309 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:47,580 And two... 310 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,780 me, Amina Hussein, 311 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,580 rehearsing for an audition 312 00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:53,540 with a punk band? 313 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,300 [rock music playing] 314 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,380 ♪ ♪ 315 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,380 - ♪ I'm sorry if I scare you, I scare myself too ♪ 316 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,220 - ♪ I scare myself too ♪ 317 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:05,540 - ♪ You find me terrifying, could it be you know who? ♪ 318 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,660 - ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪ - ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪ 319 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:10,180 - ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪ 320 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,020 - ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪ 321 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:13,860 - ♪ Voldemort's alive and... ♪ - ♪ Voldemort's alive and... ♪ 322 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,340 - ♪ Voldemort's alive and... ♪ 323 00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:18,940 both: ♪ He's under my headscarf ♪ 324 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:20,820 - ♪ He's alive, he's alive ♪ 325 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,620 both: ♪ Voldemort's alive, and he's under my headscarf ♪ 326 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,500 - ♪ He's alive, he's alive ♪ 327 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,820 both: ♪ Voldemort's alive, and he's under my headscarf ♪ 328 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,820 [energetic guitar riff] 329 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:37,900 ♪ ♪ 330 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,540 - ♪ Does the other head gear scare you too? ♪ 331 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:40,940 - A hat? - Helmet? 332 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,860 - Nah, just you. 333 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,820 - ♪ Does the other head gear scare you too? ♪ 334 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,420 both: Hats? Helmets? 335 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,500 - ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪ 336 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,540 - ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪ - ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪ 337 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,380 - ♪ What could I be hiding? ♪ 338 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,300 - ♪ Voldemort's alive and... ♪ - ♪ Voldemort's alive and... ♪ 339 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,420 - ♪ Voldemort's alive and... ♪ 340 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,100 both: ♪ He's under my headscarf ♪ 341 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:00,900 - ♪ He's alive, he's alive ♪ 342 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:04,100 all: ♪ Voldemort's alive and he's under my headscarf ♪ 343 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:05,620 - ♪ He's alive, he's alive ♪ 344 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,140 both: ♪ Voldemort's alive ♪ 345 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,900 all: ♪ And he's under my headscarf ♪ 346 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,220 ♪ ♪ 347 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,740 - ♪ Are you Hufflepuff? Are you Gryffindor? ♪ 348 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,540 - ♪ No--Slytherin! I'm fucking Voldemort ♪ 349 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,060 all: ♪ Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh Volde- Voldemort ♪ 350 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:24,020 - Playing with Lady Parts was actually kind of fun. 351 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:27,380 I never thought I'd say it, but bring on the audition. 352 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:28,430 all: ♪ Voldemort ♪ 353 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:30,220 [bright music] 354 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:32,980 - The day had finally arrived. - Hmm. 355 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:39,260 A light schmoozing at Noor's engagement party with my fake man, 356 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:42,060 get some kudos, why not? 357 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:45,820 Followed swiftly by an epic audition with Lady Parts. 358 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:49,260 What could possibly go awry? 359 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:50,580 [whimpers] 360 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:52,860 [retches] 361 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,300 - So this Ahsan is interested in you? 362 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,140 - Sure. 363 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,100 I thought it best not to divulge details to Mother. 364 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,140 You know how she gets. 365 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:03,660 - Are you dating? - God, no. 366 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,700 - You know what I mean, the halal version, 367 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,860 mutually interested in a more-than friendship, 368 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,780 but strictly nonsexual way, or whatever you kids call it. 369 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:14,060 - He's just a friend. We're going as mutual friends. 370 00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:16,020 - Right. 371 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:18,920 Mini, you know you can tell me things. 372 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,180 - Sure. 373 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,960 [doorbell rings] 374 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:29,260 [humming softly] 375 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,360 [breathes deeply] 376 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:37,740 - Shit. Wow, okay. 377 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,500 - Salaam, Aunty. 378 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:41,500 - Right back at you, sweetness. 379 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,600 - Inappropriate. Hmm. 380 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,820 - Yeah, after you. - Thank you. 381 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:50,040 - [exhales] 382 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,760 - This is very weird. - Yeah, it is. 383 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,220 - Thanks for not telling your sister. 384 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:05,920 - Yeah, it's cool. 385 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,820 - At the event, do you mind not mentioning 386 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:14,980 the audition or the band to anyone ever? 387 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:17,800 - Yeah, sure. Sure. 388 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,340 - If you could maybe just say you go to Friday prayers 389 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,220 at your local mosque, just in case they ask. 390 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,500 - Sure. - Great. 391 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,060 Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've seen a rom-com 392 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,500 with this sort of story line. 393 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,300 Debra Messing hires a male escort, Dermot Mulroney, 394 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,540 to go with her to her half-sister's wedding 395 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:37,720 'cause she wants to get to her ex-boyfriend. 396 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:47,760 - Right, so I'm the male escort in this scenario? 397 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:51,580 - It's a rubbish film, just awful. 398 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:53,420 Like, 11% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, 399 00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:55,420 like, terrible. 400 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:57,740 - I'm just messing. 401 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,980 [soft laughter] 402 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:03,020 - Mutual friends. 403 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,380 Just two mutual friends 404 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:09,540 going to an engagement party mutually. 405 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:13,600 Not weird at all, totally normal. 406 00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:16,980 [gasps] 407 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:20,060 - Hey, welcome. Hey, hey, hey. 408 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:21,860 Okay, so all the men are over there. 409 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,400 Imran. Imran. 410 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:27,380 - Salaam, Amina. - Hi. 411 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,700 - Welcome. - So Imran, this is Ahsan. 412 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:32,260 - Salaam, brother. How are you both? 413 00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:33,300 - Well. 414 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:34,900 - Very well. - Well. 415 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,040 - Well, you've been getting to know each other well. 416 00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:37,580 - Yeah, very well. 417 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,420 Not like that. 418 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,300 Yeah, well. - [laughs] 419 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,620 Museums. 420 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,460 - Sorry? 421 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,100 - We really like going to museums. 422 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,580 - Oh. - Tate, National Portrait... 423 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,220 - Science Museum. - Very cultured. 424 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,220 - Mm. - And the mosque. 425 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,060 - Oh, which mosque do you go to? 426 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:58,700 - Just a local one. 427 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,700 End of the road. Ye olde local. 428 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,860 [laughter] 429 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,820 - Who is your imam? - His name is... 430 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,780 Imam Inunzimam. - Mm. 431 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:14,740 He's a new guy, you know, beard. 432 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:18,700 Wears a beret. 433 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:20,180 - Oh, hip. 434 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:24,390 - Very hip. So shall we? 435 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,300 [romantic music] 436 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:32,860 ♪ ♪ 437 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,620 - This was a favour. 438 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,860 He was just doing me a favour, 439 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:41,500 but I couldn't help but be a little distracted. 440 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,500 - She's not answering. 441 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,340 - They're not gonna wait for us. 442 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,440 - [yells] 443 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:51,860 - Guess we're waiting here, then. 444 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,220 [indistinct chatter] 445 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:56,500 - You reeled in a real nice catch. 446 00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:59,220 Mashallah. Mubarak ho. 447 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:02,140 So come on, spill. How'd you get Al Dreamy, huh? 448 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,700 Do you think he had Ugly Duckling syndrome? 449 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,140 - What? 450 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:07,460 - You know, he was a fat kid growing up, 451 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:09,300 then lost the weight, got really buff, 452 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,620 ugly duckling no more, boom, swan, you know? 453 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:14,500 So he doesn't really know what league he's in. 454 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:17,120 - [laughs] - [laughs] 455 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:21,180 Excuse me one second. - Bye. 456 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:23,740 [soft ambient music playing] 457 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:25,900 ♪ ♪ 458 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:29,060 - Male escort reporting for duty. 459 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,140 - Oh, I think I saw your beret-wearing imam friend. 460 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:32,900 He just cycled past, carrying some baguettes. 461 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,140 - Oh, I see how it is. 462 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,420 [uneasy music] 463 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,640 - More of a sausage fest than I was expecting. 464 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,520 Where are the woman folk? 465 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:49,400 What the... 466 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:53,260 What are you doing? Thought you friend zoned her. 467 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,220 - No, no, he came with me. 468 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:56,660 - What? 469 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,140 Whatever, we've gotta go now. 470 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,900 - Uh, I'm sorry, miss, this is a private event. 471 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,540 You need to leave. 472 00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:05,820 - Last time I checked, ma'am, this was a free country. 473 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:08,220 - No, this is Saira, 474 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:12,800 my mum's sister's sister-in-law's sister? 475 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:15,580 - Yes, a family emergency. 476 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:16,580 - Oh, no, not a family emergency. 477 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:17,980 - Oh! 478 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:20,020 - She doesn't look like your relative. 479 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,020 - I was adopted. 480 00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:24,380 - I'll be right back. 481 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,060 - Amina! - Right back, promise. 482 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:29,060 [cheerful rock music] 483 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,500 ♪ ♪ 484 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:34,100 - Okay, sorry we're late, traffic was appalls. 485 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,060 - 20 minutes late. 486 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,340 You don't have time to sound check. 487 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,280 - No sound check, just go. 488 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,260 - Saira, sorry. 489 00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:51,100 I can't, I can't. I've never been a pub before. 490 00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,980 I think I'm getting drunk on the booze fumes. 491 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:57,760 - No, relax. You can do this. 492 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:00,900 - Okay. 493 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:05,180 - Trust in yourself, man. You're a great guitarist. 494 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,940 - This was not a gig, just an audition. 495 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,780 Not a gig, just an audition. 496 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,500 [panting nervously] 497 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:15,600 - Ready? 498 00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:19,700 ♪ Why won't you love me? ♪ 499 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,580 ♪ Why won't you text me back? ♪ 500 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:25,060 ♪ Leave me on read ♪ 501 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,060 - ♪ Ghost me like I'm dead ♪ 502 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,860 - ♪ Are my clothes too tight? ♪ 503 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,700 - ♪ But ♪ 504 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:36,460 - ♪ You say I'm not polite, I say fuck you very much ♪ 505 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,100 ♪ ♪ 506 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,060 - ♪ Bashir with a good beard ♪ 507 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:43,860 [muffled shouting] 508 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,020 Amina, come on! 509 00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:47,120 - [gulps] 510 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,420 - For fuck's sake, play something. 511 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,340 - Nothing would move. 512 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:56,660 It was though gravity was crushing me down into stasis. 513 00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:59,140 At least I wasn't puking, right? 514 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:01,340 ♪ ♪ 515 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,540 - Sorry, we're having a bit of a technical... 516 00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:06,980 - Technical? Your guitarist isn't playing. 517 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,660 - She's nervous. It's fine, we'll try again. 518 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:11,020 One, two-- 519 00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:12,660 - Yeah, that's not how it works. 520 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,900 Next band, please. - Wait, no, sorry, we're ready. 521 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,660 We've worked really hard for this. 522 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,260 - All the bands work hard. - Come on, please. 523 00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:23,300 - Listen, we're only gonna put on 524 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:26,460 the very best unsigned bands in the country, okay? 525 00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:29,300 If you have any kinks you need sorting out, 526 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:32,180 I suggest you do that before you step on my stage. 527 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:35,060 Next band, please. 528 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:39,340 - And just like that, it was all over. 529 00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:41,140 What had I done? 530 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,460 I... 531 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,560 [feedback screeching] 532 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,420 - Nice one, mate. 533 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,420 [melancholy rock music] 534 00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:58,520 ♪ ♪